i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
