i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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