did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
