How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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