are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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