i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
