I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
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