I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Randomize
