well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize