This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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