Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
did you just send me my own nude
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
