she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
