I'm sorry my penis didn't work
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
