at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
