The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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