Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
You were trust falling into bushes
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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