Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
