Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
