Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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