you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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