I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
