he wants to bone in the snuggie
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
