ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
You are the jesus of drinking
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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