All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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