When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
i now understand why vodka
Randomize
