Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
