You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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