Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
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