I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
