You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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