Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
