I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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