come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
