I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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