My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
