Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
You left your phone here
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