I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
