No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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