I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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