you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
