I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
