and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
