My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
