Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
