The best revenge is premature balding
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
