Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
