true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
