Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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