i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
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