Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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