we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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