I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
