i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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