haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
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