Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
